July is Bereaved Parents Month.

Here is a picture that came across my feed today that made me cry.

"We may look as if we carry on with our lives as before. We may even have times of joy and happiness. Everything may seem "normal".  But THIS, "emptiness" is how we all feel.... all the time."  Original Artist is Albert Gyorgy - Statue is located at Lake Geneva in Switzerland.

So much truth to this and so much pain behind it.

We went thru the normal routine, doctor visits, blood draws, test after test. 
As the weeks progressed, blood levels were not going up for a growing fetus.
Doctors became concerned. 

Rushed in for ultrasounds and more blood work.   
After the second ultrasound, doctors could not find a heartbeat.

Hearing that this happens all the time. Before you say "every woman has",  I'm not every woman. 

I am me.

The pain of losing a child is unbearable.

Was this a punishment for putting my career before everything else in my life?
Over the months, I sank further and further into depression.

After the miscarriage, I kept thinking of all the women in the world that this has happened to.
 Do they feel the way I feel? How do they pick themselves back up from this? 

Can they recover knowing they have lost a child?

Today Desi Perkins put out a video. She's a makeup influencer who puts out some amazing content.

Once again, sobbed.

She opened up about her journey with miscarriage. I cried right along with her.

It reminded me of the day finding out we were pregnant, the doctor visits and the one that changed my life forever.

I still cry. 

This hurt will never go away.

You are not alone.

This week has hit me pretty hard with the loss of Kate Spade and now Anthony Bourdain.
You guys know that I've been open with my dad and his brother with their death by suicide.

My dad took his life on July 4th, 15 years ago.

I suffer from depression, sometimes so severe that it has lead me down a dark road and into some of those thoughts. It had scared me to face this world. At points where I felt that if I left, it woudn't matter.
It got so low at one point that I reached up and out and found resources that guided me into some brighter light.

The death of my dad, uncle and several friends inspired me to do something.

This is the reason that I devote a LOT of my time and efforts into Forefront Suicide Prevention. I attest to the work that they do, the outreach they have and how they saved me.

While we may never know the demons, and struggles they endure or the thoughts they possess. We need to reasure everyone there's help. You are loved, you are enough.
If you find yourself needing help, Forefront Suicide Prevention can and will help you.


Do Onto Others

Sometimes all it takes is one conversation.

One conversation to make you see that you are doing it wrong.

Words hurt; actions hurt. We should all take a good look about how we speak, listen, and interact with others.

I’ve always preached, “Treat people the way you want to be treated." It's something my mom would hammered into our brains when we were kids. 

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

After a convo with someone that I respect, that quote keeps running thru my mind.

I’ve been a little standoffish at times, abrasive and sometimes a little harsh.

I guess you could say that the business I’m in has made me a little hard. It’s the way that I’ve been all my life; always pure business, no fluff.  By the sounds of things, I should soften up a little. Maybe smile a little more.

This year I promised myself to take a good hard and sometimes tough look at the person I am and be better for it.

I want to have a better understanding that people don’t always see things the way I do and be ok with it. I want to be better at balancing work and life. Better at listening. Better wife. Better friend. Most of all, be a better me.

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